The three month check-in.

Cross posted at Salt and Nectar
Well, three months in, and everyone is still alive.

And I could say that the reason I haven't been writing about it more frequently is because I'm busy (I am), that I'm exhausted (oh, my god), that when I have a moment of free time all I want to do is sit on the couch and veg out (with wine). But really, I think the real reason I've had such a hard time finding the words to share the past 12 weeks is because I've had more postpartum than I'd like to admit. And certainly more than I want documented online for my son to one day potentially read. While I know the kind thing to do would be share it with you in the case that you have or will one day feel the same and know you aren't alone, I just can't.

But I've struggled. A lot. With emotions and feelings that I didn't want to have or share or be judged by, no matter how common this 'side-effect' may be. The bottom line, however, is that my son is perfect, and beautiful, and awesome, and all I want to do is make sure he knows that his father and I will do—and always have done—anything and everything needed to make sure he knows that we're in his corner. Cause, seriously, look at this guy.

So. That said. Moving on.

Looking back at all the research and judgmental observation of other parents we did while I was pregnant, no one just came out and told me what we really needed to hear. And so I'll say it.

Put the pile of books down. Stop worrying about what kind of schedule you're going to put a tiny, helpless human who has been in the world for mere days or weeks on. Stop judging other parents because they are doing it "wrong," because they're doing what they have to do to survive. Seriously. And stop listening to what worked for your best friend/aunt/mom/grandma/neighbor/stranger at the grocery store. Because what you think will happen is not going to happen.

You hear me? It's. Not. Going. To. Happen. You are not in control of this situation. You will never be in control of this situation. I thought I'd be relinquishing some control, sure. And then the boss showed up and let me know I was just a fool for having any preconceived notions at all.

My child was not going to use a pacifier. 
And then, on the second night of nonstop crying unless he was being nursed, the nurse informed me he was likely using me as a pacifier. If I wanted to get any sleep at all, she recommended the real thing. I refused, because the book* said not to introduce them before 4 weeks. About 4 days and numerous crying fits (mine, not his) later, I realized I couldn't act as a human pacifier if I wanted to function in the world, and I caved. Nipple confusion, my ass...he still nurses just fine, thank you.

*"The book" refers to any number of books. No need to be specific, because this was always my answer: "But the book says to..."

My child was not going to sleep in our room. He has his own room and a monitor for a reason. Sleep in our bed? Not a chance.
And then, when every peep he made the first night home had me in his room, peering at this tiny little thing in his giant crib wondering if he was ok, it was quickly clear that he needed to be in our room. But as we had no bassinet, we had to fashion a makeshift bed for him (and found a second use for his changing table pad), which we placed between our heads. And then we all slept.

When we bought him a bassinet the next day, after five minutes of sleep he promptly decided that was enough, and the screaming began. And the only way I could get him back out was in the crook of my arm in my bed. Which is precisely where he stayed the next 11 weeks until he decided the Rock and Play next to the bed would suffice. His crib is the next stop...one step at a time.

I didn't need my mom the first week. 
But she came anyway. And then one night she wordlessly took the crying child from me as I paced the house, sat up with him from 2-5 am, and I remembered what it was like to sleep during those hours. The next day, she cleaned my house and went grocery shopping. Again. My mom is awesome.

I'd just sleep when he sleeps.
Ha. Hahahahahahaha. Right. This has got to be the single Worst. Piece of Advice. Ever. This child didn't sleep during the day for the first 10 weeks (note: no, this does not mean he slept better during the night), and if he did, it wasn't more than half hour at a time. (It's still only half hour at a time, but at least now we're up to 4 or five naps a day). So how exactly does that give me time to sleep? You at some point have to feed yourself. A non-toasted plain bagel is not exactly the type of meal I was used to. It's no wonder I lost 17 pounds the first week.

And a shower is nice. Shampooed hair is nicer. Blow-dried clean hair totally wins. And since our moms can only visit for a day or so at a time, I've been pretty much on my own to do basic house stuff the rest of the time. Laundry has to get done. (Mine can wait, but this kid knows how to crap his way through multiple outfits a day.) Dishes need to be washed (not optional. We don't have a dishwasher.) Anything that isn't baby centric needs to happen. Cause hello, if I have a half hour to myself, I'm not about to sleep through it.

So what have I learned the past 3 months? Basically, that this is hard. Like, hard in ways I didn't know were possible. Breastfeeding alone is an 8+ hour day (at least the first couple of months—by now we're down to 5 to 6 hours a day. I know because I have an app that times it. Obviously.) Every moment of the day is consumed by the need to care for someone else. And sure, some babies sleep through the night by the second week, nap constantly, or only eat for 10 minutes a side. Some babies only poop once a day—or every three days—by six weeks. Some babies are, well, boring. But E is so, so not that baby.

He is, however, a champion at the toothless grin. He's crazy strong and frustrates himself by constantly trying to sit up by himself. He thinks it's hilarious when I sing Jack Johnson songs to him. He talks constantly. He loves bath time. His favorite thing to cuddle with is whatever t shirt I slept in the night before. He knows that the best time to ruin a diaper is the minute I've put on a clean one. Or, even better, when I hand him to Daddy.

So we're learning. Every day is different, and every day is a challenge. But we're hanging in there.
Happy three months, Mister Man.

I will chop and you will like it.

When I hear the phrase 'primary caregiver', I can't help but think it sounds like 'only' caregiver. Obviously I know what primary means—and as the parent who is home all day with Lil'E, I am the one who does the bulk of the job. But there are two of us, so I hate having the "primary" title. I'm not sure what my point is here...I guess I find it unfair to hubby when he does his (almost) fair share. And when hubby is home, it's definitely nice to have someone there to pass the baby to.

Basically, I need a break by 5pm, so I'm glad Hubby's hands-on. He comes home for lunch most days, but it's usually when E is eating, so I still only get a few minutes of baby-free time before he has to head back. So when he gave me a hard time about spending 'too long' making a couple of new recipes for dinner, I was a bit put-off, I gotta be honest. An hour by myself in the kitchen is like an hour in my own private little oasis. I'm sorry if the baby is fussy for you for an hour, honey. He's been fussy/attached to me for the past 4 hours straight. You can handle it. Me? I'm gonna go get lost in some chopping.

These are great Indian recipes for if you want something different and crazy flavorful but without a whole lot of work (no matter what your spouse thinks)—they have lots of ingredients, but most are spices.

Indian Tomato Chicken (Tamatar Murghi)
Half a large brown onion, coarsely chopped
4 cloves garlic
About a 1 inch piece of ginger, peeled and thickly sliced
Olive oil
2 tsp cumin
1 tsp turmeric
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp cardamom
1 inch of a cinnamon stick, crushed (or a good dash of ground)
1/2 tsp all spice
2 bay leaves
1/4 tsp nutmeg
Boneless, skinless chicken thighs (6-8, less if you have a small pan)
1 can diced tomatoes
Water

In a blender or food processor, combine onion, garlic and ginger, and pulse/process til smooth. (Or you can dice everything if you don't have a processor) Heat about a tbsp of oil in large saute pan (the biggest you have) over medium high. Add onion paste and saute about 10 minutes. Add all the spices and cook another couple of minutes.

Add chicken and turn it over/move around until each piece is coated in spice mixture. Try to have them touching but not overlapping in the pan. Pour in the can of tomatoes (with juice) and about a 1/4 cup of water. Bring to a boil, then reduce to medium low and cover. Cook 45 minutes, then remove lid and cook another 45 minutes. The sauce should be really thick-only add a tiny bit of water if it looks like it may burn.

Potatoes and Cauliflower (Gobi Aloo) 
Olive oil
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 small piece ginger (1/2 inch), peeled and minced
2 large russet potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/2 tsp turmeric
1/2 tsp paprika
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp garam masala
salt to taste
About 1 pound cauliflower, chopped into bite-sized pieces
Big pinch chopped fresh cilantro (plus more to serve)

Heat the oil in a medium skillet over medium heat. Sautee garlic and ginger about a minute, then add the potatoes. Stir in turmeric, paprika, cumin, garam masala, and 1/4 tsp salt. Cover and cook another 5 to 7 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add the cauliflower and cilantro into the saucepan and toss everything to get the cauliflower as coated as you can. Reduce heat to low and cover. Stirring occasionally, continue cooking 10 minutes, or until potatoes and cauliflower are tender. Add salt to taste.

I love deceptively simple dinners.

As my entire life revolves around what time Lil E needs to be fed (every two hours during the day. Still.) I either have to plan dinners that I can prep in advance or that take next to no time to throw together.

This pork roast looked and tasted far more involved than it was-I just whisked together the glaze ingredients and salad dressing, boiled and drained potatoes, then got the meat in the oven before I sat down with him. By the time the Worlds Longest Eater was done, so was everything else-I put Hubby in charge of checking the meat, and it came out perfectly.

All I had to do was mash potatoes, slice the pork, and chop an apple, and dinner was on the table. You can use lamb for this, or substitute plain apricot or other preserves if you prefer.

Apricot-Pineapple Pork Roast
2 lb pork roast (or bigger. Or smaller. Whatever.)
Cinnamon
Salt
Pepper
1/2 cup pineapple/apricot preserves
Good squirt brown mustard (less than a tbsp)
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp soy sauce (low sodium)
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce

Combine preserves, garlic, mustard, soy and Worcestershire. Sprinkle roast well with cinnamon, salt and pepper. Cook at 350 for approx 30 min, then brush with glaze. Cook another 10-20 minutes or until 145 inside (Approx. 20 min a pound. Or be lazy like me and buy a roast with one of those magic pop-out things in it). Remove, brush with more glaze, and let sit, covered, for 10 minutes before slicing.

Serve with more glaze on top. I placed on a simple sweet potato mash (sweet potatoes cooked in salted water and then mashed with margarine) and a salad with apples, cranberries, goat cheese and homemade apricot-pineapple vinaigrette (equal parts preserves, olive oil and apple cider vinegar plus some fresh pepper and a dash of mustard.)

And I guess Mac & Cheese is now out.

Mister man has been monumentally fussy lately, so I'm thinking it may be something he's eating...which means something I'm eating. Which means, again, I have to alter my diet. About 50% of babies with food issues are sensitive to dairy, so that's where I'm starting. (Full disclosure: I'm an idiot and couldn't figure out what "dairy" consisted of other than milk, cheese, and yogurt. Um, as it turns out, butter. Duh.) So buh-bye, Italian and Mexican (and cookies!!!), and hello Asian.

I'm fine with this, really. You know I'm a big fan of food with an Asian kick, but most of my favorites are also spicy, and I figure spice can't be helping E's stomach much either, so somehow I'm going to have to get used to bland(er) versions. I broke out this recipe for that reason-I started making this stir-fry in my pre-spice (AKA pre-Hubby) days, but haven't in a long time. Cause yeah, it's a little bland. Add some sriracha and it's much better. But that's just my chile-loving bias talking.

I served it with potstickers, so I also made a sauce for those...it is kind of spicy, but so good.

Sesame Chicken Stir-fry
sunflower, peanut or canola oil
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, sliced thinly
4 small portabellas, cleaned and thinly sliced
1 bunch green onions, cleaned, tops trimmed and sliced thickly
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 bell pepper, cleaned, halved and thinly sliced
8oz Asian noodles (your choice), softened according to package directions.
1 tbsp sesame oil
1/4 cup low-sodium soy sauce

Heat small amount of oil in hot wok. Add chicken and stir-fry until white. Add garlic, green onion, bell pepper and mushroom, stir-fry about 5 minutes or until mushroom is soft. Add noodles, combine well, then add soy sauce and sesame oil and toss all to coat. Heat through another minute or two.

Potsticker Sauce
Combine:
1 tbsp low sodium soy sauce
1 tsp Sesame oil
1 tbsp oyster sauce
Sweet chili sauce to taste (a few tablespoons)

Someone explain Pintrest to me. And also, my cookie obsession.

I don't really get this whole Pintrest thing. Maybe I'm using it wrong? It just seems to me like a glorified version of Delicious, which saves bookmarks online rather than locally on your computer. But everyone can see and comment on them. Am I wrong? A lot of you are already following me, but I'm mainly just using it as a place to bookmark recipes so it makes it easier to use my phone as a reference in the kitchen, so don't expect too much from me. You will, however, probably find a lot of my tweaked recipes in their original forms, so you know...whatever that means.

As a designer, I totally understand the need to catalog inspiration. It's the public part I don't get. It makes me feel old and crotchety to say this, but unless you're asking me to buy it for your birthday, I don't give a shit what yellow sweater you like. YOU should care, and I appreciate your using one location to organize links to them should you decide to actually buy one, but I certainly don't need to follow as you pin sixteen of them.

That said, feel free to pin any of my posts. It'll do wonders for my self esteem, I imagine.

The original recipe for this Mexican-esque White Chili (which, yes, is on my Pintrest) calls for 5 cups of chicken broth, which is insane—I cut it to 3 cups and it was still far too soupy. So I'm recommending you start with 2 cups and add more as needed. Also, I was out of garlic (AKA hadn't used any in so long it was rotten) and used about a teaspoon of garlic powder instead, and it was fine. I also happen to love cinnamon in chili, but you may not, so maybe start with half the amount if you aren't sure.

Oh, and what are those baked goods in the background, you ask? I'm not supposed to be baking anymore, but they're the best oatmeal cookies pretty much eva, so I'll spill (recipe at bottom...I think it's the almond extract, so don't skip that part unless you have to).

White Bean Chili
Package ground turkey
One small onion, chopped
Couple cloves garlic, minced
7 oz can green chiles, chopped (or two 4 oz cans of pre-chopped)
About 1 tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp cumin
1/2 tsp cayenne (or to taste)
1/4 tsp ground white pepper
Chicken broth (up to 3 cups)
3 cans cannelloni beans
about 2 cups jack or cheddar cheese ( I used two kinds of cheddar)
Cilantro to serve
Tortillas to serve

In a stock pot or Dutch oven, sauté turkey, onion and garlic over medium high heat until turkey is completely cooked, about 8-10 minutes.

Add cinnamon, cumin, pepper, cayenne and chiles and continue sauteeing another few minutes.

Stir in about 2 cups of broth. Drain two of the cans of beans, and add to meat. Drain about half the liquid from the third can, and then empty contents into a blender or food processor and blend til smooth. Again, here's an example of when it's awesome to have an immersion blender-just stick it right in the can. Add bean "paste" and about 1 1/2 cups cheese to the pot and stir. Let mixture simmer about 15 minutes, adding more broth if desired.

Serve with warm tortillas and top with remaining cheese and chopped cilantro. And sour cream, if it's too spicy for you...


Ridiculous Oatmeal Cookies
1 1/3 c flour
1 1/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 1/3 cup sugar
1 tbsp molasses
2/3 cup sugar (softened)
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond extract
Handful chocolate and/or butterscotch chips (1/4 to 1/2 cup)
1 1/3 cup ready-to-cook oats (Quaker, etc.)

Heat oven to 350. In medium bowl, combine flour, baking powder, salt and cinnamon.

In large bowl, mix butter, sugar and molasses with a hand blender until smooth. Beat in egg, vanilla and almond. Mix in flour mixture.

When well combined, stir in oats and chips-it will be really thick. Drop smallish globs onto a cookie sheet (12 per sheet) and cook about 12 minutes or until beginning to brown. Let cool a few minutes before transferring to wire rack.

Makes 3 dozen. I can't stop eating them.

Ok, I'm done. The oven needs a time out.

I'm hoping this is it for the baking for awhile..I'm out of flour, and besides, my ass definitely does not need any more cookies. Breastfeeding or not, I need to cool it on the junk and get back into shape.

But that's next week. I'm not supposed to work out until I get the doc's go ahead, so let's pretend that's a carte blanc for fatkid atrocities in the meantime.

Chocolate and Butterscotch Chip Cookies
1 cup and 2 tbsp flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 egg
3/4 cup chocolate chips (semi-sweet)
1/4 cup butterscotch chips

Heat oven to 375.

Combine flour, salt and baking soda in a small bowl. In large bowl, mix butter, sugars and vanilla until smooth and creamy. Beat in egg. Add in flour mixture a bit at a time until well combined. Stir in chocolate and butterscotch.

Drop small mounds of dough onto cookie sheet with spoons or your fingers. You should fit a dozen on each tray (makes two dozen). Cook at 375 for 10 minutes or until golden brown at edges. Let cool on a wire rack.

It's getting out of hand here.

Two more bake sale options for you this week...I volunteered to take some cookies to a picnic this weekend (and I don't buy things for potlucks unless I'm forced to) plus I have a very pregnant girlfriend who has moved past her ice cream addiction and onto cookies in her last few weeks, so I figured I'd kill two birds and bake enough for both.

You can substitute regular chocolate chips for the butterscotch if you want, and use whatever granola you like (including with fruit/nuts). Just keep the pieces small.

Granola Butterscotch Cookies
1 1/4 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter (1 stick), room temp
3/4 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup granola, small pieces (I used Quaker natural granola with almonds)
1/2 cup butterscotch chips

In small bowl, combine flour, salt and baking soda.

In large bowl, combine sugar, butter and vanilla, and mix well until creamy. Beat in egg. Add flour mixture a bit at a time until combined. Stir in granola and chips.

Drop by small spoonful (or fingers) onto cookie sheet. Should make about two dozen.

Bake at 350 for about 12 min or just turning golden. Cool a bit and move to wire rack. Store in Tupperware or ziplock.

Sleep when he sleeps, my ass. I've got shit to do.

I so hate to brag, but I'm writing this with one hand. Because you know what's hard to do while holding/feeding a four week old?

Everything.

So you know what else is amazing? In the past 36 hours I've:

• Done three loads of laundry (and even folded/put away one of them...so far)
• Taken two showers (one with shampoo and a blow-dry)
• Put make-up on (once)
• Gone to the post office
• Bought coffee at 7-11
• Gotten Lil' E in the Bjorn all by myself*

• Gotten five freelance jobs prepped and ordered
• Bought cereal and wine at Fresh & Easy
• Picked up my paycheck (my 'leave'check, I should say)
• Eaten one meal while it was still hot
• Kept the bear cub fed, alive, bathed and mostly** dry
• Oh, and most importantly***, I baked Snickerdoodles

Normally, I could probably do all of these things during, like, an episode of Desperate Housewives. Which, that reminds me, I actually watched while feeding the cub one of his 13 meals yesterday.

*Photo actually taken 2 weeks ago on our first outing, but my mom says I look rested and pretty. I call that "sunglasses." This is actually today. How is he that much bigger in 2 weeks??

**I cloth diaper part-time. They do not keep him dry. I imagine it's like sleeping in a warm, wet towel. Nasty.
***Ok, maybe this shouldn't take precedence over my child's well-being. But you don't know how badly I wanted a cookie. Also, it's baking. It's gross how much I've been doing this lately.

Did everyone but me realize that Snickerdoodles are just butter cookies rolled in cinnamon and sugar? I've always loved them, but never thought to make them. I thought they'd be more of a hassle than they were worth. I was wrong.

Snickerdoodles
1 cup plus 2 tbsp flour (I mixed white and wheat)
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter, softened
! cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp or so of vanilla
1 tsp or so of cinnamon
1/4 cup or so sugar

Combine flour, baking powder and salt in a bowl.

In a larger bowl, combine butter and sugar, beating until creamy. I used a hand mixer and it was a pain in the ass. I imagine you could also do it by hand or in a stand up mixer. Whatever gets it done.

Add egg and mix in completely. Beat in vanilla, then add flour mixture a bit at a time until dough is combined. It should be really thick and fairly hard. Cover with plastic wrap and stick in the fridge for an hour of so.

Heat oven to 375.

Combine remaining sugar and cinnamon on a plate or shallow dish. Pull off small pieces of dough and roll into small balls (an inch or so across) with your hands. Roll each ball in the sugar mixture and place on cookie sheet. A dozen should fit on each sheet-recipe makes 2 dozen.

Using your hand, the bottom of a glass or a spatula, press each ball down to flatten out a bit. Cook at 375 for 10 minutes. Cool a few minutes before transferring to wire rack. Or just eat them all hot, either way.

Oh god, I'm a mother who bakes.

To be honest, I mostly decided to make banana bread because when I mentioned it would be a good use of some old bananas, my mom snorted a little and claimed I wouldn't do it. Don't dare me, Ma. I'll do it.

The rest of the reason was that my man Lil' E (his gangsta name) was sound asleep and I was dying to get off the couch and do something different. Plus, I have a gorgeous new oven and hadn't gotten to use it yet.


This is pretty much the easiest banana bread ever, by the way. Throw it all in at once, mix, and cook. Which, as we know, is really the only way to do it in my book.


Banana Bread
3 very ripe bananas, mashed
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter, melted
1.5 cups flour
1/4tsp salt
1tsp baking soda
1tsp vanilla
1 egg, beaten
1/4 cup walnut pieces

Heat oven to 350.
Combine all ingredients in a large bowl until just mixed. Pour into greased bread pan and cook for 50-55 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean when inserted in the middle.

Let cool before removing from pan and slicing.

-posted out of laziness from my iPhone.

A public thank you to my husband.

Since the only meals I've been making lately are of the milk variety, the Hubs has totally taken over the kitchen.

Whether it's been heating leftovers our moms made, or his amazing meatballs, salads, burgers, steak or pizza (thanks to a beautiful new oven-many kisses to my mother in law for that one!), this man has kept me fed and sane the past few weeks.


Taking care of this little man is exhausting. Thanks for helping take care of me, too, babe. Without you, I'd be subsisting solely on cold bagels, pretzels and Diet Coke.

Oh, that reminds me...we're out of Triscuits. Just sayin.'

Xoxo.


-posted out of laziness from my iPhone.